Old Post: Is Forgiving Foolish?

May 7th, 2006
Posted by lunastark at 11:55 am on May 7th, 2006.

Forgiveness or Folly? I wanted to post something about forgiveness. Guia-chan and Literatista-san made some *very* interesting comments on my last entry about my childhood bully post. Check it out! ^_^ Their comments had me thinking about one of the most difficult deeds in the world: Forgiveness.

It's *hard*, if not impossible, to forgive someone who betrayed us. Trust can never be taken back as easily as we lost it. As Stephen Covey would put it, trust is one of the strongest foundation of a relationship. It's like an emotional bank account, not just a simple give and take relationship:

"An Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship. It's the feeling of safeness you have with another human being." (Stephen Covey, 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, p. 188)

In every bank account, you can do two basic things: Deposit and Withdraw. In an emotional bank account, deposit means treating a person with honesty, dignity, and other such values that enables you to live a full life of integrity....as we as maintain a good relationship with another person (loved ones, for example). You start withdrawing this "deposits" of trust little by little until it has completely depleted.

All of us naturally have our limits, there is no exception. Eventually, the trust we have for another person who has been mistreating us or the trust another person has given us will eventually disintegrate. Dr. Covey made a lot of sense when he pointed this out. In my book, forgiveness is a choice. It comes with consequences, good or bad. Think and consider the consequences.

Whether we forgive or not, that's our choice. I agree with Guia-chan that we don't -forgive- in every circumstances. Look at those battered wives who keep on forgiving and forgiving their abusive husbands but in the end, they are still miserable. Some people would never learn if we keep on forgiving them, right? We should let them see the fact that we won't let them throw our lives around just to make us miserable! I believe that this kind of forgiveness, the kind of selfless forgiving without any consideration to our well-being, is the superficial and mindless kind of forgiveness. It's an escapist attitude. Forgiveness can't be rushed, it's a RESPONSIBLE choice.

We don't just say "Oh! I forgive you!" to another person who has just betrayed us without that betrayal leaving some kind of "after-effect", complex, or doubt inside us! We must deal with ourselves first, before we can truly forgive. Here enters God's TWO GREATEST COMMANDMENTS: LOVE THE SELF AND LOVE OTHERS. One cannot be fulfilled without the other.

You can never truly love others without loving yourself first. When I talk about loving the self, I'm not talking about the conceited "Oh! But I do love myself so much that I feel I'm so superior!" kind of loving. It means knowing yourself, engaging yourself in things that will help you grow to be a better person. You don't have to be perfect. You just need enough self-knowledge. I know it's easier said (or in this case, written) than done...but then again, MOST things are easier said than done. This thought is self-defeating in such a way that we refuse to get out of our comfort zones.

Forgiveness is simply letting go of the past and moving on to a better life. Whether the person who has betrayed you stays in your life or not, forgiveness is possible either way. The real issue lies in yourself...understand yourself...then you can understand where the other is coming from. The important thing is you have carefully weighed your decisions regarding the matter and have analyzed the consequences of your choices. You take control of your life. You take care of yourself. You value your life...the one life that God has given you. You can never change others consciously. They will only change if THEY want to change. If they don't, then you'll end up in a rut if you keep on hoping you can change them coz I tell you, THEY WON'T.

Mahatma Gandhi once said, "WE MUST BECOME THE CHANGE WE WANT IN THE WORLD."

To inspire others, we must become an inspiration through the way we handle our life. We should make a "model" out of ourselves. To change others, we must change ourselves and live honestly, towards ourselves then others. In the same way, to forgive others we must start by forgiving ourselves. By forgiving ourselves, we start taking care of ourselves again.

In a theological aspect, God can be really tricky. We keep on looking for answers from him when in fact, he already gave his answers where we would least expect it: Inside us. The Almighty loves a treasure hunt. Why would he do such a thing? Because he loves us sooo much that he doesn't want to spoil us and turn us into God's bratty little children. He wants us to make a HUGE effort. That's the love of a parent for yah. ^_~

Unfortunately, not all of us are willing to make an effort. We just selflessly forgive and continue making a fool out of ourselves. We become blind to what forgiving really means. Now, why do I say forgiveness is sweeter than revenge. Revenge is a negative feeling. If it stays, it gives us LONG-TERM stress and anxiety. Real forgiveness means letting go of this anxiety and moving on to a better life. It may give us a lot of stress at first but it'll soon pay off. Coming back from betrayal becomes an uplifting rather than a self-defeating experiemce. You grow. You don't have to forget the past, you just don't let it control you anymore. Time will come when you encounter someone from this past, you would no longer feel anxious or stressed. You would know how to handle the situation.

Remember, you also need to be realistic and practical when you make your decisions.

I'm not saying we shouldn't seek revenge...heck, go ahead if you want to! However, let's be realistic. Whether revenge is a success or not, it won't do anything to solve the problem. I KNOW. I can be very vengeful when provoked. (I'm not proud of it but I have to be aware of this negative trait of mine so I can take control.) I confess I take my time before I can forgive someone. But when I do, I know I've truly forgiven that behavior.

Regarding working on my personal issues, I could already see the results....whenever I think of the past, it no longers feel horrible. I become more rational in such a way that I finally understood not only my mother's side...but also why my father committed such a mistake. I understood why he made the wrong choices. I became aware that if I don't watch it, I might make the same mistakes! I don't deny that's possible, but being aware of this possibility made me stronger in keeping convictions. It requires constant unfailing attention (without losing my spontaneity ofcourse ^_~).

The good thing about forgiving my Dad was that I became more enlightened. I was able to let myself transcend the experience to a point where I no longer let it control me. Maybe this is why God wantd us to forgive many times....so we can give ourselves a chance to repair our lives! Jesus was right when he said not to forgive 7 times but 77 times. Given that you truly understand what forgiving means, he was actually implying to give ourselves a chance to repair our lives first and be a good example for others.

Ofcourse this would take a lot of time and investment.

"Remember that quick fix is a mirage. Building and repairing relationships takes time....It's hard not to get impatient. It takes character to be proactive....but there is really NO quick fix. uilding and repairing relationships are long-term investments." (Stephen Covey, 7 Habits, p. 190)